Rabbit hole

Who writes a blog for themselves? This is weird. I'm sure my therapist would have a hay day with this. In theory I might as well just write in a journal. Maybe its because I'm trying to get up the nerve to tell people about Ye Ole Blog. Who knows. Who cares really?

Its funny how certain music can transport you to a different place in your life. I hear Prince and I think of trips to the cities to see my grandparents and how cool I thought it was that Edina had streetlights on in the middle of the night. ( Big change to a 8 year old the lived out of the city limits in her hometown.

I hear metal music and I think of a damp basement, alcohol and teenage friends and my boyfriend. I loved those guys. At that point of my life they were family. I couldn't imagine living without them. I ignored the idea of graduation because it would change everything. It did. We drifted apart. That's one of those "grown up" lessons that sneak it when you're getting into that adulthood you lusted after as a 15 year old. Its things like that in the small print that makes you wonder what your hurry was.

As a teenager I was selfish. I loved myself and didn't care who knew it. I didn't negotiate and I was, for the most part, first. I wonder when that changes? The selfishness isn't great but I wonder when as adults we put ourselves on the back burner and think its what we're "supposed" to do? It really doesn't work in the long run. We end up tired, passive aggressive, and bitter. At least we do in my family. All in the name of "selflessness". Really, if I were being honest I'd admit that being that version of "selfless" is actually more selfish. ( "Though far less direct so thank God for that" whispers the Swedish in me.) I can pull it out of my back pocket along with a few nails and throw myself up on a cross, sigh deeply, and say " Well, I just don't have time for me. I'm so busy with all of you".

Or, its that if I'm busy with you than I can't be busy with me. And that's a good thing because when I fall into me I fall into the rabbit hole. Down, down, down into questions with out answers and self doubt I can't stare down.

I'm guessing its a mix.

So here I am...

Awhile back I had a blog. It was my little space in the Internet universe where I could vent about my job mainly.

Since then my husband and I have been lucky enough to have a little girl that I'm staying home with. What's funny about that is that somewhere in my head I thought it would be "easier" than working. ( I'll pause while past stay at home mothers take the time to laugh. You've earned it)

This isn't going to be just a "Mom Blog" or a "Wife Blog". Its just a me blog. We'll see what happens. I haven't even told anyone about you let.

I'm a rebel. A rebel that types while her 1 year old naps.

I used to drink and party with the best of them. I even broke a few laws. ( Nothing flashy but it counts) Now I have to keep an eye on my caffeine intake or my anxiety will spiral. When does that start to happen I wonder? At what point do you go from "Nothing will EVER happen to me" to " Holy crap! That could happen to me! And so could THAT!!"

Not sure.